actually it’s mostly the reaction to social justice that’s smarmy in my experience, which is where the notion of “tone policing” comes from

there is an awkward and blurry line here of course

sometimes people do get shot down for “tone policing” or “concern trolling” when the speaker really is being pretty abrasive

but then who defines “too” abrasive?  it’s not like being angry about imbalances is unjustified; snark is a response in kind

besides, it would seem that people who are polite about hot topics are rather more often just ignored.  which is, perhaps, one of the driving forces of smarm: if you were nicer, it would be easier for me to not listen to you at all.  by being snarky, you got me all riled up, and now i have to feel things.  curse you, feminazis!!

i do wince when it degenerates to “cis people are scum” because i know how that will be received.  majority groups are surprisingly tender about being vilified for their group identification (hmm)

but how can you blame someone for feeling that way?  imagine if the most horrible parts of your life were inflicted by group A upon you merely for being a member of group B

and this is where the equivocation becomes laughable: if a woman hates or fears men as a group because she’s been assaulted a dozen times by a dozen different men, how is that remotely comparable to a man who is a jerk to women because they’re women

maybe stop being a fucking dickhead to outsiders and it won’t make your tribe keep looking like a bunch of xenophobic assholes

this meandered a little but it is basically the train of thought i went through when wondering whether social justice really did need to be “nicer”

the answer is: i don’t know and it doesn’t matter because people will do what they feel they need to do regardless

also it’s kind of funny how mel-vs-lulz is a microcosm of all this.  reactions condemned by the people who caused the reaction first, utter obliviousness to one’s own antagonistic behavior, etc.